12/24/2006

Keeping It Simple

Taking time for small moments at the holidays

By BECKY KALAJIAN
Special to the Record-Eagle

Record-Eagle/Douglas Tesner
The Ford family enjoys many simple traditions that they feel brings their family together at the holidays.

TRAVERSE CITY — Like a jackhammer, the constant beat of shopping, baking and partying can make Christmas a real headache for some.

Fold in the underlying pressure to make others happy and what results is not often pretty — toy rage, credit card meltdown and late nights can siphon from the joy of the holidays.

The key to infusing meaning back into December, said one local psychologist, is to step away from the madness and make time for reflection, prayer and family.

"I find a lot of people saying they feel the tail is wagging the dog this time of year,” said Greg Holmes, a Grawn resident and Ph.D. in private practice. "It's hard to set limits and say no, two things that lead to overcommitment.”

A cancer survivor whose mantra is "living your life inside out,” Holmes said he often recommends that others make a list of the five most important things in their lives. Then he suggests looking at the calendar and comparing how much time was spent on those activities and/or people.

"I think most people would find that they don't match up very well,” he said. "We are very busy and active, but our lives are very empty.”

A father of two, Holmes said making the holidays meaningful must somehow involve the family as a whole.

"We can sit down with our family and ask, 'Did we take time to discover more of those things that are important to us?'” he said. "We need to make a meaningful vow to ourselves and the people we love.”

For many, meaning springs from traditions practiced with loved ones every year. Kingsley resident Susan Ford and her husband, Tim, bring out a small plastic Advent wreath bought during their first year of marriage that Susan embellishes with holiday décor.

Raised a Baptist, Susan had never lit an Advent candle. When the time came six years ago, Tim — a Lutheran — brought a simple white one home for her.

"We light the candles as a way to count down to Christmas,” said Susan, a North Carolina native who moved here about five years ago. "We try to keep things simple for our little boys.”

Keeping things simple is essential in a family with small children, said Stacey Lamie, a Traverse City mother of four whose children are responsible for decorating the family's Christmas tree.

"It's definitely not magazine-ready, but it's decorated by my kids and that's why it's so special to me,” said Lamie.

The Lamie family, which includes father Steve, is especially grateful at Christmas for the simple gift of good health. Two years ago this Christmas Eve, 3-year-old Elliot was diagnosed with diabetes, giving the entire family a sobering "reality check,” said Stacey.

"Now, Christmas means so much more to us — I don't want presents or anything; I just want people to come over and be together with us,” she said. "We're here for such a short period of time.”

Time and family are two elements that those touched by death grasp especially firmly, no more so than in the weeks leading up to Christmas, said Judy Rawlings, hospice admissions coordinator for Munson Hospice.

"It is very poignant for those who lose their loved ones this time of year,” said Rawlings. "Forever after, Christmas is a sad time — but as the years go on, the holidays can slowly become joyous again.”

To help ease that transition, psychologist and grandfather Joe Kelly said keeping certain traditions alive during Christmastime can inspire younger generations.

"Parents tend to take on a tremendous amount of responsibility for somebody else's happy experiences,” said Kelly, who has three grandchildren. "Our role as grandparents is very different: We are here to simply enhance a positive experience.”

Like others, Kelly prefers to keep things simple. Some years, he and his wife have spent Christmas Day in front of the fire, reading and staying quiet. At other times, when the children and grandchildren are around, things liven up a bit.

"We always have a dinner, then go do something, whether it's a movie, sledding or a hike,” he said. "It's important to know where the meaning comes for you — and sometimes it comes in funny places.”