07/10/2007

Rest easy with Sleepovers

Follow instincts, children's lead in setting up overnight gatherings

By
Record-Eagle staff writer

Record-Eagle/Tyler Sipe
William Barnes of Traverse City attempts to break a pinata during his 8th birthday celebration at Bryant Park in Traverse City.

TRAVERSE CITY — Gretchen Barnes of Traverse City picked up her ringing phone at 11:30 p.m. and recognized the voice on the other line after the first little sniffles.

Her son, William, a 7-year-old at the time, couldn't make it through the night during a sleepover at a friend's house. Instead, he told his mom, through the tears, that he missed her and wanted to come home. Barnes drove over and picked him up.

"Sometimes you might say some things in frustration,” said Barnes, referring to having to drive out late at night. "But you want them to be successful. If they're not ready, it's OK.”

With school out and summer in full swing, some parents might experience a similar scenario. But that shouldn't discourage moms and dads from letting their kids venture over to friends' houses with sleeping bags and toothbrushes in tow.

Dr. Margaret Meeker, a Traverse City pediatrician, said the age when children can successfully complete an overnight stay at a friend's house can vary. Some children can stay at a weeklong overnight camp at 8 while a 10-year-old may not be able to spend the night in an unfamiliar place.

Meeker added that parents shouldn't stretch children beyond their limits.

"Kids have their whole lives for sleepovers,” Meeker said. "They don't need to be pushed.”

There's an art to a successful sleepover.

Shawna Batcha sticks to a simple formula when she hosts one. The mother of two and stepmother of three gets the children outside, orders pizza for dinner and pops in a movie before the kids go to bed.

"I wouldn't have them watch a movie if I could, but a movie is good for winding down in the evening,” said Batcha, who sticks to kid-oriented new-release comedies.

Meeker, Batcha and Barnes all point to preparation as the key to planning a sleepover. Meeker said you should get to know the parents of the host child so that you can feel comfortable with the situation. Barnes likes to let her child make the first contact and then follow up with a second call to the parents.

Since Barnes also teaches the pre-kindergarten program at Kingsley Elementary School, she goes over appropriate touching with her children before they leave. She also gives her cell phone number to her kids and tells them they can call her if they feel uncomfortable.

Meeker agrees with such an approach.

"If a child is homesick, don't make them go through with it,” Meeker said. "Let them know you'll be happy to pick them up. Sometimes the parent hosting can coax them to stay, but there's no reason to force the issue.”

Meeker added that the fewer kids at a child's first sleepover the better, then, depending on how the child does, parents can expand the group. Meeker would still cap the limit at four because with more kids, peer pressure becomes a greater issue.

When it comes to taking their children to the sleepover, Batcha always drives her children and gives them a hug before she leaves while Barnes, a single mother, enjoys the group meeting somewhere and then the host parent driving the kids.

"I like after school pickups,” said Barnes, who has three children. "They're nice since I work during the school year. ... It helps having parents pick them up with me trying to juggle my schedule.”

The tricky part for parents, both in hosting and dropping the kids off, is the amount of control to exert over the environment. Batcha and Barnes let children choose the activities and only step in when arguments aren't resolved or someone is excluded. Otherwise, Batcha said the children play in "their own little world.”

But if a child can't take the heat staying at a friend's house, the three mothers say not to sweat it. Just pick the child up and try again another time.

"A parent is going to know how (their child is) doing in the phone conversation,” Meeker said. "You have to use your instincts and go with them. Don't make a huge deal out of it. Try again in a little while.”

And that's why Barnes will always answer those late-night phone calls.